Friday, March 11, 2011

Depression & Suicidal Thoughts - How To Survive Them?

*back dated* 
*does not serve purely as an emo post, just thoughts - personal experience*

Initially, I was to blog on the "Chronicles of My Lunar New Year".
However, another issue caught my eye more... what more with the rise in the occurrence in recent times and seen / heard everywhere - it's in the papers, it's on the tv, it's everywhere that I go ~Bieber J, 2011, Pray (LOL).

Ok, Justin Bieber aside, let's focus on the serious side of this.

What is one to do in the face of adversities?

  • Be depressed - checked
  • Have suicidal thoughts - checked
  • Fight it - checked
  • Survived it - checked

I've been there, done it all... Scary? Sad? Yes but true.
Not gonna talk on behalf of anyone else, but myself. My personal encounters with these 'devils' in my mind - negativity, pessimism, self-blaming, self-destruction... and of course, real life dramas and down times, personal struggles / expectations and... death(s) in the family. It really is too much to handle sometimes... what more in my short 25 years.

I was raised to be strong, to be independent, to be self-sufficient, to not show weakness easily, to set goals, to meet expectations and perform to my best which, while I'm all and REALLY thankful to my wonderful parents and family for this kind of upbringing, sometimes... I admit, I do feel trapped... especially with the thought, of the need to be perfect at all times... even when it's not required. 

Those who know me well enough will know... From time to time, I can't help but be all down, emo, negative and that's when I tend to ask myself these questions...

  • do I have to be or at least appear strong when all I want to do is cry?
  • can't I be weak?
  • can't I be helpless for once? 
  • do I have to keep it all inside?
  • can't I speak my mind, even if it may hurt others' feeling or have adverse reaction?
  • do I have to please everyone BUT myself?
  • do I even exist in this world? is there a purpose for my living? does my presence even matters?
Will I be looked down upon if I crumble?
Will people just pass it off as petty or a mean of seeking attention? An annoyance?
Can I ask for help?
Am I worthy of help from others?
Will others willingly listen / respond to my call for help?
Who do I even turn to?

After going through so much in life... honestly, deep down I know...
Practically this is all mainly me... not somebody else...
Not my parents, not my family, not my friends...
Maybe sometimes, but definitely not always... 
The truth is, I am MY worst critic and enemy

Anyway... what I'm trying to say in this post is...
No matter how strong one person is / can be, at the end of the day, I came to realize, we are all the same... JUST HUMAN
We have the same basic wants and needs...
There's a need for love
There's a need for care
There's a need for pillars of support - morally, physically
There's a need to be perfect
But there's also a need to be imperfect and just LIVE
And of course, there are times when we get so weak, we need help, and we MUST SEEK HELP...

So, try not to feel worthless...
Remember, if there's a will, there will always be a way...
And most importantly, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SEEK FOR HELP... especially when you know you need help. I am for one, a person that's scared to "lose face", but I did just that, seek help when I needed it. Else, I would have been long gone...

How To Seek Help?
These may or may not work for you, but just do what you think it's best to save you (albeit temporarily) in the situation you're in...
* cry out loud
* cry silently
* talk to other people, share... (even if you think no one's interested or care enough to listen, just let it out first)
* write (journal, diary, blog, twitter, facebook, etc)
* scream / shout
* sing
* exercise
* bashing (use la pillows, sandbags, etc, or whoever that volunteer to be a human punching bag.. HAHA)

"If live ever gets crazy... Live it" ~ Gil Grissom, recited by Sara Sidle, CSI Season 11