Misses

I miss being happy and positive...

It Will Rain...

If you plan to catch the baby-making and baby-delivery scenes of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (Twilight series) in the cinema, don't! It's censored... Or you can always watch in the cinema, then go Google the scenes online.

Lyrics Credit: http://www.metrolyrics.com/it-will-rain-lyrics-bruno-mars.html

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor,
oh So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making
Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walking out the door.

Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds, my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain, rain, rain

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Saying there goes my little girl walking with that troublesome guy

But they're just afraid of something they can't understand
Oooh well little darling watch me change their minds
Yea for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding If that'll make you mine

Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds, my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain, rain, rain

Ooooh Don't you say goodbye, don't just say, goodbye
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding If that'll make it right

Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies if I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds, my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain, rain, rain...

How To..?

* Up my confidence level, in all aspects life and self?
* Up my value of self-esteem?
* Say "No" and be firm about it, yet not offending or disappointing anyone on purpose, unless they deserve it?
* Be nice and not be used?
* Be / feel more worthy / good enough?
* Umm.. maybe adopt the following attitude: "Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up everyday to impress you."

Sigh, never thought these kinda things still troubles me.
I guess I am really going through some kinda quarter-life crisis.
Oh blimey!!

1 Year

It has been 1 year since my family lost our beloved Pa.
The pain and sadness is still very much felt, as if it just happened yesterday.
Haih, miss having him around... whether it's talking about sports with him, or work... even if he nag...
Wished he was around (w/o the pain of cancer of course)

Well, glad though, that's all's well at home thus far
At least we (I) tried too maintain that...

-15.11.2011-

So Near

I was this close to getting myself admitted to hospital...

I wonder why the sudden fall?
The rain??
Food poisoning??

One of the most torturous night ever...
* Bloated stomach
* Vomitting
* Diarrhea
* High fever
* Shivers / Trembling
* Cold Sweat

29.10.2011

Injuries

Believes

** got this in the email, a forward from Chee Mun ** thx for sharing **

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat.  Relax . . .
And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while,
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with Loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people
who do what has to be done,
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing
and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will
be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes, when I'm angry,
I have the right to be angry, but that
doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them,
 and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are, but,
we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be
so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing
And see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think
you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about
most in life
are taken from you too soon..

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have.

Lucky

You people... Me, not so much!

On another note, my eyes got swollen again (@_-")

I Miss My Pa

Past few days... memories of Pa lingers.. more vividly than ever... Can't believe it has been a little over 6 months...

* I see his face
* I hear his voice (always stern but caring tone)
* I miss him waiting for me to come home late at night (esp when I'm returning from overseas / outstation biz trip)
* I even hear (in my head) and miss his scoldings or nagging (read concerns)...

Was going through the SMSs sent by me to Pa on my good old Sony Ericsson phone, usually to inform him of my whereabouts...

Though he hardly replies (coz me parents don't really know how to text but stick to good-old, phone is for calling principles), I know he reads them and take note.

God, I really couldn't  fathom why you take my Mr DIY & Always-Dependable Pa away from us so soon...
It was his time to retire, rest and relax but he hardly got the chance...
I wished you would give him more time...And I wished for many things more...
Then again, I will never know (and sometimes totally don't understand) what You had planned ahead for us...

... I just Miss my Pa...

Never

Knew i had to go through this. Again. So soon? This shucks! On my own, or just in my head?

Running Fever?

Not sure if I really caught the bug of running or I'm just into the goodies :p
Have done the following anyway and plan to continue for as long as I can.
Hope I can do at least ONE 21km and 42km in my lifetime.

2010

• Energizer Night Race @ Cyberjaya - 27.03.2010 (10 km)
• Standard Chartered KL Marathon - 27.06.2010 (10 km)
• Men's Health & Shape's Night Run @ Putrajaya - 31.07.2010 (12.3 km)
• Nike 10k KL City Run - 10.10.2010 (10 km)

2011

• Energizer Night Run @ Sepang International Circuit - 16.04.2011 (11 km)
• Standard Chartered KL Marathon  - 26.06.2011 (10 km)
• ntv7 Feel Good Run - 03.07.2011 (7 km)
• Men's Health & Shape's Night Run @ Putrajaya - 30.07.2011 (12.8 km)
• adidas King of The Road @ NPE - 02.10.2011 (10 km)

I Feel Pretty / Unpretty

MP3: http://mp3skull.com/mp3/glee_unpretty.html  




I wish I could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today
My outsides are cool
My insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways
But it’s all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I’m just trippin’
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
http://www.hotnewsonglyrics.com/glee-i-feel-pretty-unpretty-lyrics.html
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright
Never insecure until I met you
Now I’m being stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things
To keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you
And then I’ll get back to me (hey)
My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways
But it’s all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
Keep on trippin’
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright
And I pity
Any girl who isn’t me tonight
Oh oh oh oh oh (Tonight)
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh (Tonight)
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh (Tonight)
Oh oh oh oh oh
I feel pretty (You can buy your hair if it won’t grow)
Oh so pretty (You can fix your nose if he says so)
I feel pretty and witty and bright (You can buy all the make-up that mac can make)
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty
I feel pretty
But unpretty

Who You Are

It's been a while since I hear a very moving, inspirational song of staying true to yourself!
Overheard it when my bro was blasting his stereos.. Nice :)

I present to you..

Jessie J's Who You Are
Lyrics Source: metrolyrics
Download: http://mp3skull.com/mp3/jessie_j_who_you_are.html

I stare at my reflection in the mirror...
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf ...
"no,no, no, no..."

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
(Who you are)x11

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould , yeah!
The more I try the less it's working yeah yeah yeah
Cause everything inside me screams, "no,no,no,no..."

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no, egos
Fake shows like woah
Just go, and leave me alone
Real talk real life
Good love goodnight
With a smile that's my home
That's my home

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
Who you are

DIY

Gotta pick up even more DIY skills... Now that Pa is not around.. e.g. car servicing, painting and changing of fluorescent lamps! Wish me luck.

Last Strip...

Last strip out of 3...
Tomorrow, last tablet.

Hope it's been effective...

Travelogue: Sipadan-Mabul (A Must Go)

A diver I am not,
A swimmer I am not too,
But boy do I love water sports and activities..
And it ain't gonna stop me from exploring the (under)water world!
And these include water themeparks, to beaches, rivers, waterfalls and of course, islands!

And you know what, Malaysia are blessed with all. So jump at every opportunity please... believe me when I say, Malaysian islands are some, if not all, of the most beautiful islands in the world. Top in Malaysia's list is of course Pulau Sipadan, Sabah.

From Wikipedia:

Sipadan is located at the heart of the Indo-Pacific basin, the centre of one of the richest marine habitats in the world. More than 3,000 species of fish and hundreds of coral species have been classified in this ecosystem. Sipadan has been rated by many dive journals as one of the top dive destinations in the world

Last year I had the biggest and most privileged opportunity to join my diving-able friends, Su-Lyn & Shino on their plan to visit Pulau Sipadan! I jumped at it though the cost 'shocked' me initially.. .Well, I wasn't a diver (yet), and to spend near to RM 1k++ (special promotion somemore) just for the stay & snorkelling activities... isn't that a bit too much? I ask myself again and again... Anyway, since the flight tickets have already been booked, I move forward. Afterall, I have bout ~0.5 year to save up $$ for the year end trip! The conclusion:  I DIDN'T REGRET ONE BIT.
Details as follow:

Date:

31st December 2010 - 3rd January 2011

 

Destination:

Sipadan & Mabul / Kapalai, Sabah, Malaysia

 Barracuda Point, Sipadan is listed in Top Ten Dive Sites at #3!!

The Gang:

From Left to Right: Winnie Lim Shuh Huey, Shino Lee Shin Lu (diver), Tan Su-Lyn (diver), Tan Su Quin (diver), Yeoh Chor Guan (diver), Nelson Kan (diver) & Madeline Lim May Szin (me! haha)

Return Malaysia Airlines (MAS) Flight Tickets: 

RM 238.00 per pax (KLIA - Tawau - KLIA) *Get The Deal Promotion*

Accommodation: 

The magnificent, stunningly beautiful Sipadan-Mabul Resort (SMART)

Travel Agent (Contact Them for Pricing):  

Explore Asia Tours Sdn. Bhd. (Co. No. 372345-X)
(Sister Company of Sipadan-Mabul Resort (Sabah) Sdn. Bhd.)
Lot A-1-G, Block A, Signature Office, KK Times Square,
Off Coastal Highway, 88100 Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia.
P. O. Box 15571, 88864 Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia.
Tel: (60-88) 486389    Fax: (60-88) 486628    E-mail: mabul@po.jaring.my
License No: KKKP/PL 2941 

 Package Includes:

• Transfers between Semporna Jetty - SMART - Semporna Jetty by speedboat
• Chalet-type accommodation on Standard Twin/Triple-sharing basis with attached bathroom and the facilities of hot shower and the comfort of air-conditioning, balcony
• All food and hot beverage while at the resort
• 6 snorkelling trips (4 at Sipadan, 2 at Mabul) or 4 diving trips (at Sipadan / Mabul Kapalai)
• Unlimited jetty diving on Mabul's House Reef
• Use of tanks with air, weights and weight belt

 Package Excludes:

• Entry permit fee to Sipadan (RM 40.00 per pax) *only 120 permits are issued per day, SMART only have 14 permits allocated to their resort daily*
• Transfers between Tawau Airport - Semporna Jetty - Tawau Airport by van
• Gears rental (i.e. masks, snorkels, fin, booties, wetsuit...)
• Additional diving or snorkeling trips are subjected to charges

  

Other Facilities Include:

• Swimming pool (FOC)
• Jacuzzi (FOC)
• Buggy rides to Mabul Water Bungalows (FOC)
• Underwater camera / video facilities

.:: REVIEW ::.

• Accommodation: Nothing to complain at all. Clean and proper.
• Service: Fantastic, top notch. Super helpful and friendly. For divers, you never even have to lift your gas tank at all! Beat Berjaya Tioman many times!! (sorry, I can only compare against Berjaya Tioman 'coz I usually go budget and Berjaya Tioman's service was really quite sucky during my company trip in May 2010)
• Food's good, fresh and nice. International flavours.
• Diver masters / Snorkel Guides / Captains: Very professional and friendly. 
• Loads of turtles, sharks, fish of all kinds... everything seems to be bigger and magnified in the island of Sipadan. While for islands of Mabul and Kapalai are more famous for smaller species.  

.:: PHOTO ALBUMS ::.

* Sipadan-Mabul (Pt 1) - My Camera / BB

* Sipadan-Mabul (Pt 2) - My Camera / BB

pardon my camera's underwater picture-taking ability. wasn't using a intended-for-diving waterproof casing.

* Sipadan-Mabul (Pt 3) - Shino, Su-Lyn, Winnie's Camera

.:: SLIDE SHOW ::.

My Lunar New Year - Rabbit (2011) Chronicles

Taken no leave prior to this year's celebration.

Nin 28 - 29

• Spring cleaning in office
• Moved to a new workstation - my 2nd time shifting from one place to another. Each time gets better (bigger space, more privacy) so ain't complaining :p

 

• Also had earlier 'reunion dinner' prayers for Pa. And these are some of the dishes!

Nin 30

• Decided as a family to do away with the traditional Hainan Chicken Rice, Fish Maw Soup and Mixed Vege and the likes (actually we've done it a day before :p), so we've gone Western this year! Probably to commemorate my late Pa's profession as a Western Chef all these years =) 
• We had Chicken Chop, Seasoned & Boiled Broccoli & Asparagus with 2 slices of Tomatoes and best of all, Real Potato Wedges / Fries (non of those flour things). Yum Yum!

• Headed to the old KTM train station as soon as dinner's finished, to catch the 8pm bus to Penang. Double decker. Super high-tech bus from Plusliner. Smooth journey =) Congestion-free.

Chor 1 - 3 

• Arrived in Penang before 1am. Aunt Bonnie, cousin Hikaru came to pick us up from the Sg Nibong Bus Station! Aww, so touched. Coz Grandma came along, at this hour!
• Main activity while in Penang: Eat at every house / stop. LOL. Our relatives couldn't stop stuffing us silly. Home cooked ones, steamboat, roti bom, chapatti, curry, soup here, soup there (the most famous soup found this trip --> Pig Stomach Black Pepper Soup)
• While food is aplenty, of course ang pow has significantly decreased. Boohoo :( It's the age I tell u!! Have to get used to it... Haha.

*to be updated...have to recall*

Chor 4 - 8
Chor 9 - 12
Chor 13
Chor 14 - 15

Depression & Suicidal Thoughts - How To Survive Them?

*back dated* 
*does not serve purely as an emo post, just thoughts - personal experience*

Initially, I was to blog on the "Chronicles of My Lunar New Year".
However, another issue caught my eye more... what more with the rise in the occurrence in recent times and seen / heard everywhere - it's in the papers, it's on the tv, it's everywhere that I go ~Bieber J, 2011, Pray (LOL).

Ok, Justin Bieber aside, let's focus on the serious side of this.

---

What is one to do in the face of adversities?

• Be depressed - checked
• Have suicidal thoughts - checked
• Fight it - checked
• Survived it - checked

I've been there, done it all... Scary? Sad? Yes but true.
Not gonna talk on behalf of anyone else, but myself. My personal encounters with these 'devils' in my mind - negativity, pessimism, self-blaming, self-destruction... and of course, real life dramas and down times, personal struggles / expectations and... death(s) in the family. It really is too much to handle sometimes... what more in my short 25 years.

I was raised to be strong, to be independent, to be self-sufficient, to not show weakness easily, to set goals, to meet expectations and perform to my best which, while I'm all and REALLY thankful to my wonderful parents and family for this kind of upbringing, sometimes... I admit, I do feel trapped... especially with the thought, of the need to be perfect at all times... even when it's not required. 

Those who know me well enough will know... From time to time, I can't help but be all down, emo, negative and that's when I tend to ask myself these questions...

Why...?

• do I have to be or at least appear strong when all I want to do is cry?
• can't I be weak?
• can't I be helpless for once? 
• do I have to keep it all inside?
• can't I speak my mind, even if it may hurt others' feeling or have adverse reaction?
• do I have to please everyone BUT myself?
• do I even exist in this world? is there a purpose for my living? does my presence even matters?

Will I be looked down upon if I crumble?
Will people just pass it off as petty or a mean of seeking attention? An annoyance?
Can I ask for help?
Am I worthy of help from others?
Will others willingly listen / respond to my call for help?
Who do I even turn to?

After going through so much in life... honestly, deep down I know...
Practically this is all mainly me... not somebody else...
Not my parents, not my family, not my friends...
Maybe sometimes, but definitely not always... 
The truth is, I am MY worst critic and enemy

Anyway... what I'm trying to say in this post is...
No matter how strong one person is / can be, at the end of the day, I came to realize, we are all the same... JUST HUMAN
We have the same basic wants and needs...
There's a need for love
There's a need for care
There's a need for pillars of support - morally, physically
There's a need to be perfect
But there's also a need to be imperfect and just LIVE
And of course, there are times when we get so weak, we need help, and we MUST SEEK HELP...

So, try not to feel worthless...
Remember, if there's a will, there will always be a way...
And most importantly, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SEEK FOR HELP... especially when you know you need help. I am for one, a person that's scared to "lose face", but I did just that, seek help when I needed it. Else, I would have been long gone...

How To Seek Help?
These may or may not work for you, but just do what you think it's best to save you (albeit temporarily) in the situation you're in...
* cry out loud
* cry silently
* talk to other people, share... (even if you think no one's interested or care enough to listen, just let it out first)
* write (journal, diary, blog, twitter, facebook, etc)
* scream / shout
* sing
* exercise
* bashing (use la pillows, sandbags, etc, or whoever that volunteer to be a human punching bag.. HAHA)

"If live ever gets crazy... Live it" ~ Gil Grissom, recited by Sara Sidle, CSI Season 11

So Much To Say, So Little Time...

Have loads of things to write, to say, to blog...
But I don't have the time...
All remains in the draft folder...

Ish. Cis. Bluek ;p

Care

Care...
I have loads of them...
But probably sometimes, I don't know what to do with them, or how to put it across... properly

When I care about something or someone, I get focused, probably too focused sometimes...
Hmm... To a point I probably become possessive (no, not obsessive)... Most of the time, this will only be misunderstood

Things, people... sad but true, they do come and go...
They can come and leave anytime, yes, even against my will
After all, I'm not irreplaceable...
And probably have already been replaced...

Learning to let go has been my biggest challenge
Especially when I know I have put in so much
Never should I expect any returns I guess... Not anymore
We can only be as sincere as possible... And I shall and will

It's time to let it all go
Don't assume, don't expect (I'll try)
Don't think because it was once like this, it will be like that forever
Things change, people change
And I'll have no control whatsoever

It's time to refocus on myself...
It's time to love myself first...
It's time to take care of MYSELF again...
This, I can control... I just need to put my mind to it...

Body's shutting down...
Every aspect - physically, mentally, emotionally
The signs and symptoms are there...
It's scary!

I shall save it... before it's too late... and I will :)
And this shall be the best (if not one of them) gift to myself, this 2011 / CNY!